Romantic Comedies

I should write them. For a living.

Seriously. People love this stuff. It's insane.

It's so classic that it's almost more classic than Phil (Hangover reference- anyone? anyone?)

I think that romantic comedies are good for the world. Not in a "this-movie's-cutesy-sentiment-could-cure-cancer-and-turn-a-serial-killer's-heart-pure" kind of way, but in the way that when you're having the worst day in the world, a happy ending for an adorable, yet fate-battered couple can do the trick.

But this post is not to rave about the bad day/rom com relationship. On the contrary- I'm going to smash through romantic comedies like Godzilla wrecked Tokyo.

Not because I hate them (I don't. I'm a current offender of eating brownies in my pajamas while wishing that I could be Julia Stiles in "10 Things I Hate About You).

Not even because I just saw one that I particularly disliked (which I did).

But because this is my blog. And I can.

1) Ridiculous Premises-

Now. Let's think about the last time you fell in love with someone who completely bothered you for most of the time that you'd known them (I'm lookin' at you Letters to Juliet). That's right. I'll bet it was never. Because unless annoying people with attitude problems who constantly put you down are your idea of Prince Charming, that would absolutely never happen. And it wasn't like you found them charming in the first place and then they annoyed you and then you forgave them; it's like that one guy who refuses to back off even when you're having a bad day. *Sigh* True love.

2) The Best Friend (Female)

I have yet to see a romantic comedy where the best girl friend of the leading female isn't a completely one-dimensional idiot who is also insatiably horny. Either that or they are really negative about everything. They either push their friend to go out to bars and meet men, then leave their friend when they find a one-night-stand on their own, or drink heavily and whine about how "Mr. Right just isn't out there. Give up. Drink up." For some reason, this is always the case in romantic comedies, and if you think about it, would you really want to end up with someone whose best friend is a total killjoy/slut? Aren't we taught that we can judge a person's character through the characters of their friends? And yet, men in romantic comedies are unfazed; they're so head over heels in love that they seemingly don't acknowledge the best friend at all, or they ask them for advice about their beloved (bad call, male lead), or find them endearing (which they definitely are not.) And don't you just feel bad for the best friend? She's wandering around but never gets a happy ending, and yet her best friend ends up in the perfect situation. How nice.

3) The Best Friend (Male)

Dude. Stay single. But bang that chick, she's hot.

OR

Dude. My girlfriend and I have been together forever and she's the love of my life and I wouldn't change a thing because I'm entirely whipped and haven't even glanced at another girl since high school.

Here's what romantic comedies have taught me. Either the guy best friend is taken and therefore gives the most insightful relationship advice to his friend to get the girl or they are as one-dimensional and sex-crazed as the female's best friend (can you say double date? eh? eh?) OR they are way funnier and have a better personality but are significantly less attractive than the male lead (because that happens in real life. extraordinarily good-looking people often are friends with ugly people because of their personalities. ha.) Honestly, I prefer the best friend to the "hero" sometimes (oh hello Ron Weasley...you read my blog?) and I'm sure that other ladies out there do too, because I wouldn't want to meet a guy who's so entirely clingy that he can't leave me alone, stalks my work, and waits outside my window until I finally agree to go on a date with him (unless it's you, James Marsden...all these famous people read my blog!) and neither would anyone else. Let's be real, here.

4) Aesthetics

Someone raise their hand and tell me the last time they saw a gorgeous single man who looks like Matthew Gray Gubler (are you sensing a list of my celeb crushes?) or Joseph Gordon-Levitt in real life. Nobody? Okay how about a woman who resembles Jessica Alba or Emma Watson trolling around with all of life's troubles on their shoulders? Yeah. Exactly. Nobody is out in the world who is that beautiful and also hopelessly lost in the romance department. It just doesn't happen. That's nature. And for all the Rom Coms who try to make their story "relatable," you are failing miserably. The single people of the world aren't young Brad Pitts and Angelina Jolies. They're that guy from your math class who sometimes doesn't shower and the woman on the airplane reading Twilight fan-fiction. Oh, and me (for the record I dislike math and Twilight). May the force be with us and our ridiculous expectations because of your misleading, false premises.

5) The Breakup/Makeup

Classic situation. Boy meets girl. Boy wrongs girl in publicly humiliating way, such as writing a newspaper article about her before he got to know the real her (finger is now pointing at you, 27 Dresses). Girl forgives boy. No harm, no foul.

^ this situation is wrong. obviously there has been a foul, and plenty of harm done. But Rom Coms suggest that all women, in the end, are pushovers and therefore can be wronged because, hey, it's true love.

Under this topic I'm also going to add the classic misunderstanding, such as in Letters to Juliet or any other movie when the girl sees the boy with another woman, freaks out, and later finds out that it's his cousin. Or a girl kisses another boy only to realize that he's not the one, but instead the other guy who's waited all along is! Happy day! ...except not. because you had to make out with someone else to realize they weren't for you. Do that enough and what do you get? A bad reputation and possibly Mononucleosis.

IN CONCLUSION

Romantic Comedies are made to make lonely/sad people feel that there is hope out there with a beautiful man who is tough, but sensitive, handsome, but nice, and who can change.

Does nobody watch House anymore? People rarely change.

Not that I don't believe there isn't someone out there for everyone, but if you're inside all day long watching tear-jerkers about your favorite fictional couple, how are you ever going to meet them? Have some sensible expectations and attainable goals.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch 500 Days of Summer.

*steps off of soapbox*

Thank You.

Read to Impress

Sounds backwards, right? Like, for real, who reads anymore? What is this, like 1990?

Psh. Books. Knowledge. Overrated, for sure.

But let me tell you a little secret, my scoffing compadres: reading makes you smarter.

Being smarter means you know how to spend your time better. And if the old adage "time is money" is true, then you just got richer, my friend.

Yes, I, Ms.Oh-my-god-don't-come-near-me-with-that-math-book just created an equation. It was a worded equation though, which means that it's not nearly as hard to bear as one which involves numbers...and now I'm rambling.

Smart people are impressive.

(I do have a point, I swear.)

And as we embark on our adventures to our respective colleges, impressing our peers is a major goal on our list of dreams. What better way to go about this then combining it with the dreaded Move-in Day?? How, you ask? Here's how:

1. Buy impressive books.

Anybody can read Star by Pamela Anderson, or Miley Cyrus's book (which, really, shouldn't have been written in the first place, but I'll hold my tongue.) Go for something classy, yet enjoyable. For instance, I like poetry and recently purchased Immortal Poems of the English Language. Classy. Sophisticated. Impressive.

2. Pack your impressive novels and novellas in a clear box.

This is the simple way to draw attention to yourself, you obvious little bookworm, you.

3. Show that you're flawed. In an adorable way, of course.

I know what you're thinking- this is all great and stuff (eye roll), but how is it going to help me impress someone of the opposite sex (if you catch my drift)? Simply show your cute, clumsiness by dropping said box at the feet of someone you find attractive. *NOTE: do NOT do this in an obvious way, such as blatantly kicking the box over or picking it up and flipping it upside down so its contents fall to the ground. This will result in people either thinking you are having a temper-tantrum or that you are angry at literature for being literature. Either way- not good.*

4. Pick up said books in a cute way.

"Oh geez, I'm so clumsy, sorry! I hope my copy of The Fountainhead didn't knock you out; I know it's super heavy, I just love the story though. It's such a classic. *smile*" See? Done. Already that person is thinking, "wow..smart and not a total loser! I think I like them..."

5. Pick up your books and start a conversation.

No way! You liked Crime and Punishment? I thought Raskolnikov's complete disregard for the rest of society was so interesting in regard to his morals....we should grab coffee sometime and talk about it! In the meantime, you might like this book- it's about the first death row inmate exonerated by DNA evidence. The author has such a good understanding of how societal pressure can jeopardize the justice system. BAM. instant connection.

Once you've done all of these things, give yourself a pat on the back. You've convinced someone of your academic integrity and extreme knowledge of literature! Now you're a shoe-in for being invited to study groups and group projects. Hooray for you.

Now go read a book before people find out that you're a moron.

Recaptchas

For those of my fine, furry friends that don't know what the hell a "recaptcha" is, let me enlighten you as my good friend Rebecca did me.

You know those boxes that come up when you try to post a link onto facebook, or add a comment to your match.com profile? (I mean, what?)

You know, the ones that are like, "before you post this totally awesome comment, it's vitally important that you decipher these illegible words that are unintelligibly placed next to each other and spell them correctly." For example: ridonkidonk nutmeg

Now, I was under the impression that these were entirely pointless. I knew that they said that this was to help weed out spammers and computers from humans, but I didn't believe it.

What, is there some finger prick on the "R" key that reads my blood and tests it positively for human DNA? What if I'm completely illiterate or blind and misspell the word? Oh no!

But apparently these boxes, these RECAPTCHAS, are filled with whimsical phrases that computers can't read. And in the meantime, they are also helping to create digital versions of ancient word press. Which is pretty freakin' sweet.

However, blind people have it rough. Recaptchas will read you the words, unintelligibly of course, instead of having you read them. The result? It sounds as though the Russian mafia is about to kill you. No thanks, I'd rather just keep my comment to myself.

My theory is that the recaptchas are in cahoots with America's Most Wanted. If you can understand the voice, you obviously know the person speaking. And that person is wanted for a triple homicide backflip with a robbery to boot. (Did that sound impressive? I know it's more of a gymnastics move at this point. Well..maybe just the backflip part). Regardless, these boxes create lots of entertainment.

A link explaining more, you ask for? Here you go, fine fellow!

http://www.google.com/recaptcha/learnmore

Plane Etiquette

Planes. The safest way to travel. Also, a flying panic room. Think about it: it's the one place (in the air, no less) where a huge amount of people are buckled into tiny, uncomfortable seats that invade everyone's personal space. You can only go to the bathroom when the pilot allows it, flight attendants smile too much, and you aren't allowed to leave. This said, there are certain things that can make plane rides way worse than they need to be. And these are a few of those things:

1. Wear Deodorant. Seriously. I'm sitting right up next to you. It's not my personal choice, but you're not making it any better by smelling rank. I mean, who knows how long this plane ride is going to last? There could be turbulence or a delay and oh my god is there really a reason to keep raising your arms to stretch?? Common courtesy. You don't have to smell like a cake factory, but let's keep it classy. Thanks.

2. Cover Your Mouth. I'm weird about germs. That's a personal thing. But if you think about it, an airplane is pretty much the most likely place to get sick. The air recirculates. You're basically breathing in someone's cough from up in seat 19A while you're in 31E. That's totally disgusting. So when you cough or sneeze, please do everyone a favor and just cover your mouth.

3. Get the Hint. I have my iPod in. I'm also facing the window. And yet you are STILL trying to start a conversation with me about how you love wiener dogs with a passion and wish to open up a special government sector dedicated to their beauty. I'm not interested.

4. I Am Not Your Pillow. People get sleepy on planes. It's understandable; Plane rides are pretty boring. But if you're in the aisle seat, and I don't know you, and I'm in the window seat, it is definitely NOT okay to lean on me. *note: this is especially awful if you snore or drool.*

5. No Drinking, Please. Fact. Drunk people are funny. Fact #2. Drunk people are less funny when they're right next to you on a plane for 2-6 hours.

That's my belated rant on plane rides. Did you know that seat 31A on an airplane isn't a window seat? I did. Because that was my seat on the way back from Maine. No window, the armrest didn't go up, and I was directly in front of the bathroom next to a man who decided personal hygiene just wasn't his thing. Cool, life.

The Online Dating World...of Finding A Roommate?

YEA! You did it! You finally made a college decision and got your parents to buy you a hat, scarf, shirt, gloves, and a poster to let everybody know that you, yes you, are going to yet ANOTHER school! But now it's on to the next step--finding a roommate:

Ever since we stepped into the 21st century, the adaptation of technology has been on the rise.

First, people "reconnected" via e-mail or websites like Facebook and Myspace.

Now, colleges want in.

Currently, people all over the nation (and I suppose globe as well) are searching for that "special someone" that won't steal your stuff when you move into your dorm room...or set it on fire.

So how do you go about this?

Well, it's all about putting yourself out there.

You take a survey, and it "matches" you with some other poor, lost soul who needs a roomie.

and then...the introduction.

I'm no professional, but here are 5 tips featuring what not to do when testing the waters with a potential roommate:

1. Do not start by saying something that is going to make somebody want to hurt you.

For example: "WUT UP!!! ELONNN what whatttttt--wanna room!?"

Also, and this may be just a personal thing, but if I don't know you, don't start out by calling me "girl." It's a little weird. "hey girrrlllllll I see we're going to the same college!"

yes. yes we are. But are the 3 r's and 26 l's in girl really necessary?

2. When someone asks you what you're like, just as if you were ACTUALLY scoping out a potential date, leave the weird shit out of it. I mean, be honest, but if you like to pretend your stuffed animals are people and you make clothes for them and take them with you everywhere... keep it to yourself. (and don't message me. please.)

3. Don't seem too eager. and i'm totally an offender of this, but if you're constantly calling/texting/liking someone's wall post (and you don't know the person that posted it) you've taken it a little too far... easy there, tiger.

4. Don't talk about your boyfriend/girlfriend too much. Nobody wants to feel like they're going to gain a roommate AND their significant other. Are they going to be in the room all the time? Can they not touch my ramen noodles? k thanks.

5. Keep the haha's and the colon p's to a minimum.

"yeah my little brother recently had to have his arm amputated; it's so sad"

"OMG HAHAHA that sucks...:("

not okay. I understand the awkwardness of talking to a new person "omg do they like me?"

but please please remember to only use emoticons and lol/haha's when they're appropriate.

So good luck, fellow adventurers.

And remember, delve into the uncharted roommate waters carefully, because even if you don't end up rooming with your current "maybe", chances are you'll end up being in a class with them, or living on the same floor.

So refrain from being even the slightest bit rude/questioning when someone tells you that they still like to ride a tricycle around their house because it "reminds them of the good old days."

Or that they have their own youtube channel featuring "My version of Star Trek."

(Unless that kind of thing is super impressive to you)

My Beef With Noise Machines

There is a reason that white noise is used in horror films.

If memory serves me correctly, "White Noise" is actually a horror film.

So why do people insist on using it on noise machines to fall asleep?

I have no problem with a nice ocean noise, like waves crashing, but white noise?

Do you want me to have nightmares about demons crawling out of a radio? Thanks.

When my mom took me to visit Indiana, she pulled out a little machine and turned on white noise. I turned the knob, thinking (stupidly) that maybe if i turned it the noise would change.

But no. It just got louder. WHY. WHY would someone make a noise machine that is only white noise?! I want to meet this person, and berate them for such an idiotic idea.

White noise.

It's the thing that people hear when the cable goes out and they cover their ears until they can reach the remote to flip the damn thing off.

It's what you hear when you turn the radio to AM instead of FM (& let's face it, who likes AM?)

It's the last thing that guy in White Noise heard before he died.

It's not what any sane person should want to fall asleep to.

And that, that my friend, is my beef with noise machines.

10 Things Your Babysitter WON'T Tell You

Babysitters, we’ve all been there, the parents are dipping out the door, while their two or six children are sitting in plastic chairs finishing their dinner (or not) and restraining themselves from arguing until the car is safely out of the driveway. Your employers leave a note with their number (put please, do not call) and instructions on what you should do with their kids before bedtime. And then what? And then all hell breaks loose, that’s what. Here are some things that parents should know about babysitters, from babysitters:

1. If your kid is sick, I do not want to babysit them.

-Just as you wouldn’t want to be around me while I’m blowing my nose, I do not want to be doing any of the following things: cleaning up vomit, picking up your kid when they’re hacking up a lung, or blowing a nose that is currently infected with a cold. I totally understand that you don’t want to be around, but hey, neither do we, and you spawned the thing, so take care of it! There is nothing worse than going, unsuspecting, to a house, saying goodbye to you, and picking up your kid, only to get a face-full of a cough that you haven’t taught them to cover their mouth for. It’s gross. Reschedule.

2.. It’s punishment for us when you don’t allow them to watch a movie/tv show.

-Of course you don’t want your kid to be mesmerized by TV for hours, and I love a good game of Hide-n-Go-Seek as much as the next girl, but when I’m at your house from 4pm till midnight, and your child doesn’t go to bed until 9, It would be an IMMENSE help if you’d at least let us pop in Madagascar or something. There are only so many minutes you can spend having a tea party or playing house.

3. While it may be a “special treat” to let your children stay up an extra one or three hours, it’s definitely not the case for us.

- I take back what I said before about children being sick taking the cake for the worst thing that can happen. NOTHING is worse than when a parent says (IN FRONT OF THE KID) “well…they can stay up until 10 or 11” when their usual bedtime is 8 or 9. That’s simply a delay of the inevitable fight that ensues when the word “bedtime” is called. Also, kids get more hyper as the night goes on because they’re more and more sleep deprived. It’s terrible.

4. We Make Promises To Your Kids

- If a child starts crying because they can’t have ice cream/food/drink/movie/whatever they want at the time, I’m going to tell them that they can have it tomorrow. But guess what? I won’t be there tomorrow. Yes, it’s a cop out. But you should have warned me that they were going to ask for that, and told me what to say. Have fun making PB&J’s for breakfast in the morning.

5. Offer Us Food

- If you call me to babysit at 5 o’clock, chances are I had plans in my day before that. But it’s awful to walk in at 5, have the kids almost done with dinner, you guys leave, and I’m left hungry because I’ve had no dinner and you won’t be home until the wee hours of the morning. It’s even worse if everything in your pantry is never-been-opened-brand-new. Tell us we can eat.

6. Don’t Be Stingy

- I charge $10 an hour. That’s pretty standard. You told me you’d be home around 10. I’ve been there since 6. It’s 12:25. Don’t pay me $62.50. Pay me at least $65.00. For one thing, you’re 2 hours late. For another, what am I going to do with fifty cents? I’ll tell you. I’ll combine it with fifty more cents and have a dollar. So just go with a whole dollar amount.

7. We Aren’t Going To Tell You If Your Child Was Bad

- You don’t want to know. Seriously. In my experience, if I tell a child’s parents that their kid attempted to kick me in the face when I suggested a bath, they’re not going to ask me back anytime soon. Also, it makes me look like I can’t handle your kids, and you look like bad parents. Lose-Lose Situation. We’ll just vent to our parents about it.

8. Tell Us How To Work Your TV

- I don't live at your house. You have 27 different remotes, and somehow none of them turn the TV on. It's not like I'm planning to ignore your kid and watch MTV the whole time, it's just that once they go to bed at 9 and I'm there until 12, I'd like to have something to do. Also, The Soup comes on at 10 on Friday nights.

9. Warn Us About Having...Stuff...On Your DVR

- We don't need to see that you have porn on your DVR. Gross. Seriously. If you would be embarrassed to have your mom see it on there, why would you want us to see it? Enough Said.

10. We Like Babysitting, So You Can Leave..now..

- It's wayy uncomfortable when a parent hangs around forever after we show up. We're responsible, and your kids won't start listening to us until you leave.. so ...leave.

Kids are fragile..

so don't name them stupid things.

For example, if I were to name a child "Guys", they would conceivably have the worst childhood ever. "Stop it, guys!" "what? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SINGLING ME OUT??"

It's the same with movie stars trying to be trendy.

Apple. Really, Gwyneth Paltrow? Your child is a fruit. How do you think that elementary school experience is going to play out?

and then there are those who are trying to be "deep" with baby naming.

"I'm going to name my child Zimbabwe, so they will always remind people to help Africa."

nobody is going to think about that. They're going to think that your child's name is Zimbabwe, and wonder why the hell you named them that. Then they'll go eat a 4 course meal while the people suffering in Africa continue to suffer.

See how these ridiculous names aren't helping anyone?

But that doesn't apply to my future children; Simba and Hades will turn out just fine...

I absolutely refuse

to call Spring Break "SBX"

it's not the X-games

and while it may or may not be X-Treme, I'm not going to motocross or anything.

basically, I am stating right here that I refuse to sound like a tool.

..but I'm still excited :)

Out of sight..

out of mind.

Memory of a goldfish

swimming in a bowl.

there used to be a treasure chest there.

no there didn't.

yes there did.

(I don't remember)

you never remember anything!

I remember what I ate this morning..

no you don't.

you're right I was lying..

I remember you!

but what if i leave?...

The Rules of Facebook (Prof Pic Edition)

I've been on Facebook a TON lately because it beats doing homework.

Consequently, I've picked up on some tips that I've noticed frequently.

These 5 refer to profile pictures:

1. Never choose a profile picture with a person who is better looking than you are.

2. Whenever possible, choose a skanky picture that was taken by you in your mirror, with your cell phone.

3. Always respond to compliments from guys with phrases like, "thanks, cutie ;)"- the more winky faces, the better.

4. When attempting to climb the social ladder, choose a photo of you and some really popular kids to post as your identity (as this will result in instant stardom).

5. Try to choose a picture that really describes you, like one where you are looking off into the distance at your goals and dreams, or holding up a nonchalant peace sign (oh, how did that get there?)

*side note- the cooler you think you look, the cooler you are.

A belated movie review *HUGE SPOILER ALERT*..but that's okay because this movie sucked so you shouldn't go see it anyways.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.

God, even the title is lame.

Makes it sound like one of those Magic Treehouse books from the nineties.

I don't know why, but for some reason my mother was set on seeing this stupid film, so the whole family piled into the car and drove to Phipp's Plaza

(the only place it was playing. plus we had free passes.)

Anyway, movie starts...

A greek god, presumably Poseidon, steps out of the harbor looking like he's about yell, "THIS IS SPARTA" as all he is wearing is a metal skirt and armor.

This is not attractive, as he is middle aged.

He meets another god, Zeus, to discuss someone stealing Zeus's lightning.

Unfortunately, this is not the only completely ridiculous plot line.

Why, oh why, were GODS forced to meet on the Empire State Building, and not, oh, say MOUNT OLYMPUS??

Anyways, once we get past that, we're introduced to one of Poseidon's children.

(Think The 13th Year meets Sky High)

He's basically a bumblefuck of a teenager who lives with his single mom, and has a very annoying black sidekick friend and a disgusting stepdad who does nothing but drink beer.

not to worry, though, because his mom says that one day "all of this will make sense."

After a random substitute teacher turns into a demon to demand the lightning bolt from Percy, (who, btw, has no idea he's son of poseidon, or why his "dyslexia" allows him to read ancient greek) his paraplegic teacher and sidekick friend come to his rescue. what? exactly.

Turns out Percy is "special" (awesome. aren't we all.)

he's the son of Poseidon, but Gods aren't allowed to visit their illegitimate kids, so Percy has some daddy issues.

Percy's mom is kidnapped while Percy's friend, who has turned into a half-man, half-goat creature at this point, is supposed to be protecting him.

Unfortunately, nobody in the audience feels any sort of connection to this weak woman figure, so when she was taken, I felt zero emotion. Percy kind of cried a little. maybe it was allergies. who knows.

He's at this "camp" where the other illegit offspring train by playing capture the flag and weird swordfighting games. cool? no.

He meets the daughter of Athena, who "has strong feelings" for Percy, but can't decide whether they're good or bad. She's also supposedly got the gift of battle strategy and wisdom, which is weird because every time they get into trouble, she sucks at ideas and helping in general.

After sneaking out of the camp like a badass to save his mother from Hell, Percy and his goat friend and semi-girlfriend go on some stupid adventures, like going to a casino for no reason.

Oh, there's a villain introduction somewhere in there, but it really didn't capture my attention.

The 3 teenage idiots/heroes travel to find Persephone's beads so that once they get Percy's mom back, they can make a quick getaway.

Fortunately, there are exactly 3 beads in the U.S.

Also, they have a map that some kid stole from his God dad.

For gods, these guys have pretty shitty alarm systems.

Oh, and the sidekick somehow knows how to drive across the U.S. without ever stopping for directions (or a nap).

They finally reach the gates of hell, Hollywood Hills (how clever), where the stupid sidekick tries to pay Charon the Ferryman in American money. (silly boy, they don't take dollar bills in Hell!) Regardless, they get in.

This movie review is taking too long, so here's a short sum-up:

Percy saves his mom. what a hero.

The paraplegic teacher turns into a Centaur, who, even after Percy's rule-breaking, declares him his "favorite student" (way to go, Pierce Brosnin, your fans are so proud)

Percy and the girl don't kiss, they swordfight (good. girls have cooties)

The black friend is forced to say things like, "aw hell yeah" and "that's what i'm talkin' bout!"

Percy meets his dad. Dumb girl meets her mom. Lightning is returned. Touching father-son moment. Promise of a sequel. The end.

thinking that this movie sounds terrible? you're on the right track.

Can one really be identified by objects?

I was attending a play tonight, and a girl came up to me as I got out of Chris's car,

and says,"I know this is weird, but were you in the Walton talent show?"

I said, "Yes, I was" (thinking maybe she recognized my face...which would be..understandable?)

"Oh I thought so," she said, "I recognized your purse."

what? i'm sorry....what? she recognized my purse? that's so strange.

It got me thinking. Am I unrecognizable without an identifiable object around?

I want to go to school one day, purse-less, and have everyone think I'm a new kid.

"what? does she even go to this school? where's her purse?"

*puts purse on*

"oh..guys..it's just Michelle. False alarm"

Love at first slut...i mean, sight...

From the mind of a boy:

It's just that feeling you know?

when you see a little leg, but the mystery's alive.

She reels you in with her bleach blonde hair.

Her skin is oddly orange..but I think it's just the light...

no..definitely orange...but that's okay.

Low cut top. Not skanky. ...kind of skanky. but that's alright because she has a good personality.

Personalities, they matter. a lot. a lot a lot. ...well...not a LOT. enough. they matter...enough.

We talked for hours. about everything. I can talk to her about everything. well..not EVERYTHING...I zoned out when she told me all of her random shit problems. but then she listened when I told her about that time that I tried to make a smoothie out of mac-n-cheese... remember that? so epic. *high fives all around*

what was I talking about? oh. yeah. so i like modesty, you know, keep it covered. unless it's hot out, because you need some air, right? or if your shirt is really itchy so you need to pull it down a bit. that's okay too.

she's basically a saint.

All I Want For Graduation...

is a baby duck.

so it will imprint on me.

and love me forever.

because baby ducks are awesome.

and fluffy.

i now wonder if platypuses imprint on people.

if so, i would like a platypus.

Never Ending Insults with Michelle & Allison

Need the perfect insult to get that girl who's been bugging you? Here's a handy list that Allison and I made just for that occasion!

1. She kissed a girl...and then renounced God. I saw it. With my own eyes. She probably won't remember because she was so drunk and possessed by Satan, but it definitely happened.

2. She burned a cross and then stabbed a POTATO! A POTATO! and I mean, you'd think she'd like potatoes because of her hair and all...she's a TRAITOR. no one should trust her ever again.

3. She's a Satan worshipper who hates Irish people! Denounce her!

4. You must never go near her because she is a direct descendent of the Devil and singlehandedly caused the Irish Potato Famine.

5. And she hates straight people

6. She's a socialist.

7. She loved Soviet Russia.

8. She's an illegal immigrant from Soviet Russia!

9. She puts MSG in Chinese Food

10. She thinks Harry Potter is evil.

11. She wrote Dumbledore's death scene.

12. She's responsible for Harry naming his son Albus Severus.

13. She invented Umbridge.

14. She's the real reason James & Lily died.

15. She pushed Sirius through that curtain.

16. She's a Death Eater.

17. She tried to kill Buckbeak

18. She formed the opposing interest group to S.P.E.W. so she could crush house-elves' rights

19. She told Rosa Parks to get to the back of the bus.

20. She started the KKK

21. She killed JFK

22. She assassinated MLK Jr. and she's the reason we have to watch that stupid video every MLKJ day

23. She is also the reason that the creepy drug man in the health video we had to watch in homeroom exists.

24. She's the one who told Hitler's mom not to get an abortion.

25. She wrote/directed Nacho Libre

26. She's the person who invented nasty cough syrup.

27. She made the 3oz. limit rule in the airport.

29. She's a groupie for Nickelback

30. She gave birth to Kanye West.

31. She interrupted Taylor Swift at the Grammy's.

32. She is the reason the world is going to end in 2012.

33. She is the reason Fleenor is making us read The Wasteland.

34. She wrote Crime and Punishment.

35. She organizes Beta Club meetings and designs them so they last exactly 2 minutes.

36. She doesn't recycle.

37. She told Coach Gower not to accept the Most Like A Diva award.

38. She started the ripped leggings trend.

39. She invented the mullet.

40. She invented math.

41. She is the reason why the Grinch stole Christmas.

42. She loves Uncle Vernon.

43. She voted for Rufus Scrimgeour

44. She is Rita Skeeter.

45. She is best friends with Romilda Vane

46. She is the snake from The Jungle Book

47. She is the tiger and the snake from The Jungle Book

48. She hates Juliet and Ophelia's Sassy Gay Friend

49. She is the reason that Asian drivers can't drive.

50. She is the reason Criminal Minds doesn't come back until April.

51. She is the reason we don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop

52. She is the reason Dr. Camp is a teacher.

...to be continued... (we are not awful people.)

A Shakespearean sonnet written for AP Literature...

The Trials of an Audience Member

Why do we put ourselves through so much pain?
The taunts of characters rewind and play.
If only Mufasa had ne’er been slain
And Bambi’s mom had lived another day.

Why can we not save damsels in distress?
Mad queens and poisoned produce seem to loom.
The lack of common sense these girls possess
Lead favorites like Alice to their doom.

Why can we not call out beyond the screen?
Our warnings could have remedied the mess.
As Cinderella’s family did preen
The clock struck twelve and rags replaced a dress.

But oh the stories always end in glee,
Without the help of a spectator’s plea.

Allen Ginsberg be damned; I'm writing a poem.

I would like you to know that I’m over you.
You didn’t know me.
We never met.
We were closely connected by time and space.
I cut the golden thread.
The loom stopped working.
Gold washes me out.
I’m out of excuses.

I’m a little sorry.
Not enough to apologize.
I didn’t know you.
No need to apologize to someone you didn’t know, right?
Or maybe I’m just a rude person.
Or maybe apologizing is just a way to absolve guilt.
I’m out of excuses.

I saw you yesterday.
I didn’t wave hello.
You didn’t know me.
It’s weird to wave at someone you don’t know, right?
Or maybe my arm was tired.
Or maybe I was holding something.
I’m out of excuses.

You called my name out.
I didn’t answer you.
I didn’t know you.
No need to answer someone you don’t know, right?
Mom told me never to talk to strangers.
Or maybe I lost my voice.
Or maybe I forgot how to speak English.
I’m out of excuses.

I asked you to finish this poem for me.
You didn’t.
You didn’t know me.
It’s awkward to finish a poem for someone you don’t know, right?
Or maybe you thought I should do it myself.
Or maybe I’m just lazy.
I’m out of excuses.