God, even the title is lame.
Makes it sound like one of those Magic Treehouse books from the nineties.
I don't know why, but for some reason my mother was set on seeing this stupid film, so the whole family piled into the car and drove to Phipp's Plaza
(the only place it was playing. plus we had free passes.)
Anyway, movie starts...
A greek god, presumably Poseidon, steps out of the harbor looking like he's about yell, "THIS IS SPARTA" as all he is wearing is a metal skirt and armor.
This is not attractive, as he is middle aged.
He meets another god, Zeus, to discuss someone stealing Zeus's lightning.
Unfortunately, this is not the only completely ridiculous plot line.
Why, oh why, were GODS forced to meet on the Empire State Building, and not, oh, say MOUNT OLYMPUS??
Anyways, once we get past that, we're introduced to one of Poseidon's children.
(Think The 13th Year meets Sky High)
He's basically a bumblefuck of a teenager who lives with his single mom, and has a very annoying black sidekick friend and a disgusting stepdad who does nothing but drink beer.
not to worry, though, because his mom says that one day "all of this will make sense."
After a random substitute teacher turns into a demon to demand the lightning bolt from Percy, (who, btw, has no idea he's son of poseidon, or why his "dyslexia" allows him to read ancient greek) his paraplegic teacher and sidekick friend come to his rescue. what? exactly.
Turns out Percy is "special" (awesome. aren't we all.)
he's the son of Poseidon, but Gods aren't allowed to visit their illegitimate kids, so Percy has some daddy issues.
Percy's mom is kidnapped while Percy's friend, who has turned into a half-man, half-goat creature at this point, is supposed to be protecting him.
Unfortunately, nobody in the audience feels any sort of connection to this weak woman figure, so when she was taken, I felt zero emotion. Percy kind of cried a little. maybe it was allergies. who knows.
He's at this "camp" where the other illegit offspring train by playing capture the flag and weird swordfighting games. cool? no.
He meets the daughter of Athena, who "has strong feelings" for Percy, but can't decide whether they're good or bad. She's also supposedly got the gift of battle strategy and wisdom, which is weird because every time they get into trouble, she sucks at ideas and helping in general.
After sneaking out of the camp like a badass to save his mother from Hell, Percy and his goat friend and semi-girlfriend go on some stupid adventures, like going to a casino for no reason.
Oh, there's a villain introduction somewhere in there, but it really didn't capture my attention.
The 3 teenage idiots/heroes travel to find Persephone's beads so that once they get Percy's mom back, they can make a quick getaway.
Fortunately, there are exactly 3 beads in the U.S.
Also, they have a map that some kid stole from his God dad.
For gods, these guys have pretty shitty alarm systems.
Oh, and the sidekick somehow knows how to drive across the U.S. without ever stopping for directions (or a nap).
They finally reach the gates of hell, Hollywood Hills (how clever), where the stupid sidekick tries to pay Charon the Ferryman in American money. (silly boy, they don't take dollar bills in Hell!) Regardless, they get in.
This movie review is taking too long, so here's a short sum-up:
Percy saves his mom. what a hero.
The paraplegic teacher turns into a Centaur, who, even after Percy's rule-breaking, declares him his "favorite student" (way to go, Pierce Brosnin, your fans are so proud)
Percy and the girl don't kiss, they swordfight (good. girls have cooties)
The black friend is forced to say things like, "aw hell yeah" and "that's what i'm talkin' bout!"
Percy meets his dad. Dumb girl meets her mom. Lightning is returned. Touching father-son moment. Promise of a sequel. The end.
thinking that this movie sounds terrible? you're on the right track.
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