The Rules of Facebook (Prof Pic Edition)

I've been on Facebook a TON lately because it beats doing homework.

Consequently, I've picked up on some tips that I've noticed frequently.

These 5 refer to profile pictures:

1. Never choose a profile picture with a person who is better looking than you are.

2. Whenever possible, choose a skanky picture that was taken by you in your mirror, with your cell phone.

3. Always respond to compliments from guys with phrases like, "thanks, cutie ;)"- the more winky faces, the better.

4. When attempting to climb the social ladder, choose a photo of you and some really popular kids to post as your identity (as this will result in instant stardom).

5. Try to choose a picture that really describes you, like one where you are looking off into the distance at your goals and dreams, or holding up a nonchalant peace sign (oh, how did that get there?)

*side note- the cooler you think you look, the cooler you are.

A belated movie review *HUGE SPOILER ALERT*..but that's okay because this movie sucked so you shouldn't go see it anyways.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.

God, even the title is lame.

Makes it sound like one of those Magic Treehouse books from the nineties.

I don't know why, but for some reason my mother was set on seeing this stupid film, so the whole family piled into the car and drove to Phipp's Plaza

(the only place it was playing. plus we had free passes.)

Anyway, movie starts...

A greek god, presumably Poseidon, steps out of the harbor looking like he's about yell, "THIS IS SPARTA" as all he is wearing is a metal skirt and armor.

This is not attractive, as he is middle aged.

He meets another god, Zeus, to discuss someone stealing Zeus's lightning.

Unfortunately, this is not the only completely ridiculous plot line.

Why, oh why, were GODS forced to meet on the Empire State Building, and not, oh, say MOUNT OLYMPUS??

Anyways, once we get past that, we're introduced to one of Poseidon's children.

(Think The 13th Year meets Sky High)

He's basically a bumblefuck of a teenager who lives with his single mom, and has a very annoying black sidekick friend and a disgusting stepdad who does nothing but drink beer.

not to worry, though, because his mom says that one day "all of this will make sense."

After a random substitute teacher turns into a demon to demand the lightning bolt from Percy, (who, btw, has no idea he's son of poseidon, or why his "dyslexia" allows him to read ancient greek) his paraplegic teacher and sidekick friend come to his rescue. what? exactly.

Turns out Percy is "special" (awesome. aren't we all.)

he's the son of Poseidon, but Gods aren't allowed to visit their illegitimate kids, so Percy has some daddy issues.

Percy's mom is kidnapped while Percy's friend, who has turned into a half-man, half-goat creature at this point, is supposed to be protecting him.

Unfortunately, nobody in the audience feels any sort of connection to this weak woman figure, so when she was taken, I felt zero emotion. Percy kind of cried a little. maybe it was allergies. who knows.

He's at this "camp" where the other illegit offspring train by playing capture the flag and weird swordfighting games. cool? no.

He meets the daughter of Athena, who "has strong feelings" for Percy, but can't decide whether they're good or bad. She's also supposedly got the gift of battle strategy and wisdom, which is weird because every time they get into trouble, she sucks at ideas and helping in general.

After sneaking out of the camp like a badass to save his mother from Hell, Percy and his goat friend and semi-girlfriend go on some stupid adventures, like going to a casino for no reason.

Oh, there's a villain introduction somewhere in there, but it really didn't capture my attention.

The 3 teenage idiots/heroes travel to find Persephone's beads so that once they get Percy's mom back, they can make a quick getaway.

Fortunately, there are exactly 3 beads in the U.S.

Also, they have a map that some kid stole from his God dad.

For gods, these guys have pretty shitty alarm systems.

Oh, and the sidekick somehow knows how to drive across the U.S. without ever stopping for directions (or a nap).

They finally reach the gates of hell, Hollywood Hills (how clever), where the stupid sidekick tries to pay Charon the Ferryman in American money. (silly boy, they don't take dollar bills in Hell!) Regardless, they get in.

This movie review is taking too long, so here's a short sum-up:

Percy saves his mom. what a hero.

The paraplegic teacher turns into a Centaur, who, even after Percy's rule-breaking, declares him his "favorite student" (way to go, Pierce Brosnin, your fans are so proud)

Percy and the girl don't kiss, they swordfight (good. girls have cooties)

The black friend is forced to say things like, "aw hell yeah" and "that's what i'm talkin' bout!"

Percy meets his dad. Dumb girl meets her mom. Lightning is returned. Touching father-son moment. Promise of a sequel. The end.

thinking that this movie sounds terrible? you're on the right track.

Can one really be identified by objects?

I was attending a play tonight, and a girl came up to me as I got out of Chris's car,

and says,"I know this is weird, but were you in the Walton talent show?"

I said, "Yes, I was" (thinking maybe she recognized my face...which would be..understandable?)

"Oh I thought so," she said, "I recognized your purse."

what? i'm sorry....what? she recognized my purse? that's so strange.

It got me thinking. Am I unrecognizable without an identifiable object around?

I want to go to school one day, purse-less, and have everyone think I'm a new kid.

"what? does she even go to this school? where's her purse?"

*puts purse on*

"oh..guys..it's just Michelle. False alarm"

Love at first slut...i mean, sight...

From the mind of a boy:

It's just that feeling you know?

when you see a little leg, but the mystery's alive.

She reels you in with her bleach blonde hair.

Her skin is oddly orange..but I think it's just the light...

no..definitely orange...but that's okay.

Low cut top. Not skanky. ...kind of skanky. but that's alright because she has a good personality.

Personalities, they matter. a lot. a lot a lot. ...well...not a LOT. enough. they matter...enough.

We talked for hours. about everything. I can talk to her about everything. well..not EVERYTHING...I zoned out when she told me all of her random shit problems. but then she listened when I told her about that time that I tried to make a smoothie out of mac-n-cheese... remember that? so epic. *high fives all around*

what was I talking about? oh. yeah. so i like modesty, you know, keep it covered. unless it's hot out, because you need some air, right? or if your shirt is really itchy so you need to pull it down a bit. that's okay too.

she's basically a saint.

All I Want For Graduation...

is a baby duck.

so it will imprint on me.

and love me forever.

because baby ducks are awesome.

and fluffy.

i now wonder if platypuses imprint on people.

if so, i would like a platypus.

Never Ending Insults with Michelle & Allison

Need the perfect insult to get that girl who's been bugging you? Here's a handy list that Allison and I made just for that occasion!

1. She kissed a girl...and then renounced God. I saw it. With my own eyes. She probably won't remember because she was so drunk and possessed by Satan, but it definitely happened.

2. She burned a cross and then stabbed a POTATO! A POTATO! and I mean, you'd think she'd like potatoes because of her hair and all...she's a TRAITOR. no one should trust her ever again.

3. She's a Satan worshipper who hates Irish people! Denounce her!

4. You must never go near her because she is a direct descendent of the Devil and singlehandedly caused the Irish Potato Famine.

5. And she hates straight people

6. She's a socialist.

7. She loved Soviet Russia.

8. She's an illegal immigrant from Soviet Russia!

9. She puts MSG in Chinese Food

10. She thinks Harry Potter is evil.

11. She wrote Dumbledore's death scene.

12. She's responsible for Harry naming his son Albus Severus.

13. She invented Umbridge.

14. She's the real reason James & Lily died.

15. She pushed Sirius through that curtain.

16. She's a Death Eater.

17. She tried to kill Buckbeak

18. She formed the opposing interest group to S.P.E.W. so she could crush house-elves' rights

19. She told Rosa Parks to get to the back of the bus.

20. She started the KKK

21. She killed JFK

22. She assassinated MLK Jr. and she's the reason we have to watch that stupid video every MLKJ day

23. She is also the reason that the creepy drug man in the health video we had to watch in homeroom exists.

24. She's the one who told Hitler's mom not to get an abortion.

25. She wrote/directed Nacho Libre

26. She's the person who invented nasty cough syrup.

27. She made the 3oz. limit rule in the airport.

29. She's a groupie for Nickelback

30. She gave birth to Kanye West.

31. She interrupted Taylor Swift at the Grammy's.

32. She is the reason the world is going to end in 2012.

33. She is the reason Fleenor is making us read The Wasteland.

34. She wrote Crime and Punishment.

35. She organizes Beta Club meetings and designs them so they last exactly 2 minutes.

36. She doesn't recycle.

37. She told Coach Gower not to accept the Most Like A Diva award.

38. She started the ripped leggings trend.

39. She invented the mullet.

40. She invented math.

41. She is the reason why the Grinch stole Christmas.

42. She loves Uncle Vernon.

43. She voted for Rufus Scrimgeour

44. She is Rita Skeeter.

45. She is best friends with Romilda Vane

46. She is the snake from The Jungle Book

47. She is the tiger and the snake from The Jungle Book

48. She hates Juliet and Ophelia's Sassy Gay Friend

49. She is the reason that Asian drivers can't drive.

50. She is the reason Criminal Minds doesn't come back until April.

51. She is the reason we don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop

52. She is the reason Dr. Camp is a teacher.

...to be continued... (we are not awful people.)

A Shakespearean sonnet written for AP Literature...

The Trials of an Audience Member

Why do we put ourselves through so much pain?
The taunts of characters rewind and play.
If only Mufasa had ne’er been slain
And Bambi’s mom had lived another day.

Why can we not save damsels in distress?
Mad queens and poisoned produce seem to loom.
The lack of common sense these girls possess
Lead favorites like Alice to their doom.

Why can we not call out beyond the screen?
Our warnings could have remedied the mess.
As Cinderella’s family did preen
The clock struck twelve and rags replaced a dress.

But oh the stories always end in glee,
Without the help of a spectator’s plea.

Allen Ginsberg be damned; I'm writing a poem.

I would like you to know that I’m over you.
You didn’t know me.
We never met.
We were closely connected by time and space.
I cut the golden thread.
The loom stopped working.
Gold washes me out.
I’m out of excuses.

I’m a little sorry.
Not enough to apologize.
I didn’t know you.
No need to apologize to someone you didn’t know, right?
Or maybe I’m just a rude person.
Or maybe apologizing is just a way to absolve guilt.
I’m out of excuses.

I saw you yesterday.
I didn’t wave hello.
You didn’t know me.
It’s weird to wave at someone you don’t know, right?
Or maybe my arm was tired.
Or maybe I was holding something.
I’m out of excuses.

You called my name out.
I didn’t answer you.
I didn’t know you.
No need to answer someone you don’t know, right?
Mom told me never to talk to strangers.
Or maybe I lost my voice.
Or maybe I forgot how to speak English.
I’m out of excuses.

I asked you to finish this poem for me.
You didn’t.
You didn’t know me.
It’s awkward to finish a poem for someone you don’t know, right?
Or maybe you thought I should do it myself.
Or maybe I’m just lazy.
I’m out of excuses.