Romantic Comedies

I should write them. For a living.

Seriously. People love this stuff. It's insane.

It's so classic that it's almost more classic than Phil (Hangover reference- anyone? anyone?)

I think that romantic comedies are good for the world. Not in a "this-movie's-cutesy-sentiment-could-cure-cancer-and-turn-a-serial-killer's-heart-pure" kind of way, but in the way that when you're having the worst day in the world, a happy ending for an adorable, yet fate-battered couple can do the trick.

But this post is not to rave about the bad day/rom com relationship. On the contrary- I'm going to smash through romantic comedies like Godzilla wrecked Tokyo.

Not because I hate them (I don't. I'm a current offender of eating brownies in my pajamas while wishing that I could be Julia Stiles in "10 Things I Hate About You).

Not even because I just saw one that I particularly disliked (which I did).

But because this is my blog. And I can.

1) Ridiculous Premises-

Now. Let's think about the last time you fell in love with someone who completely bothered you for most of the time that you'd known them (I'm lookin' at you Letters to Juliet). That's right. I'll bet it was never. Because unless annoying people with attitude problems who constantly put you down are your idea of Prince Charming, that would absolutely never happen. And it wasn't like you found them charming in the first place and then they annoyed you and then you forgave them; it's like that one guy who refuses to back off even when you're having a bad day. *Sigh* True love.

2) The Best Friend (Female)

I have yet to see a romantic comedy where the best girl friend of the leading female isn't a completely one-dimensional idiot who is also insatiably horny. Either that or they are really negative about everything. They either push their friend to go out to bars and meet men, then leave their friend when they find a one-night-stand on their own, or drink heavily and whine about how "Mr. Right just isn't out there. Give up. Drink up." For some reason, this is always the case in romantic comedies, and if you think about it, would you really want to end up with someone whose best friend is a total killjoy/slut? Aren't we taught that we can judge a person's character through the characters of their friends? And yet, men in romantic comedies are unfazed; they're so head over heels in love that they seemingly don't acknowledge the best friend at all, or they ask them for advice about their beloved (bad call, male lead), or find them endearing (which they definitely are not.) And don't you just feel bad for the best friend? She's wandering around but never gets a happy ending, and yet her best friend ends up in the perfect situation. How nice.

3) The Best Friend (Male)

Dude. Stay single. But bang that chick, she's hot.

OR

Dude. My girlfriend and I have been together forever and she's the love of my life and I wouldn't change a thing because I'm entirely whipped and haven't even glanced at another girl since high school.

Here's what romantic comedies have taught me. Either the guy best friend is taken and therefore gives the most insightful relationship advice to his friend to get the girl or they are as one-dimensional and sex-crazed as the female's best friend (can you say double date? eh? eh?) OR they are way funnier and have a better personality but are significantly less attractive than the male lead (because that happens in real life. extraordinarily good-looking people often are friends with ugly people because of their personalities. ha.) Honestly, I prefer the best friend to the "hero" sometimes (oh hello Ron Weasley...you read my blog?) and I'm sure that other ladies out there do too, because I wouldn't want to meet a guy who's so entirely clingy that he can't leave me alone, stalks my work, and waits outside my window until I finally agree to go on a date with him (unless it's you, James Marsden...all these famous people read my blog!) and neither would anyone else. Let's be real, here.

4) Aesthetics

Someone raise their hand and tell me the last time they saw a gorgeous single man who looks like Matthew Gray Gubler (are you sensing a list of my celeb crushes?) or Joseph Gordon-Levitt in real life. Nobody? Okay how about a woman who resembles Jessica Alba or Emma Watson trolling around with all of life's troubles on their shoulders? Yeah. Exactly. Nobody is out in the world who is that beautiful and also hopelessly lost in the romance department. It just doesn't happen. That's nature. And for all the Rom Coms who try to make their story "relatable," you are failing miserably. The single people of the world aren't young Brad Pitts and Angelina Jolies. They're that guy from your math class who sometimes doesn't shower and the woman on the airplane reading Twilight fan-fiction. Oh, and me (for the record I dislike math and Twilight). May the force be with us and our ridiculous expectations because of your misleading, false premises.

5) The Breakup/Makeup

Classic situation. Boy meets girl. Boy wrongs girl in publicly humiliating way, such as writing a newspaper article about her before he got to know the real her (finger is now pointing at you, 27 Dresses). Girl forgives boy. No harm, no foul.

^ this situation is wrong. obviously there has been a foul, and plenty of harm done. But Rom Coms suggest that all women, in the end, are pushovers and therefore can be wronged because, hey, it's true love.

Under this topic I'm also going to add the classic misunderstanding, such as in Letters to Juliet or any other movie when the girl sees the boy with another woman, freaks out, and later finds out that it's his cousin. Or a girl kisses another boy only to realize that he's not the one, but instead the other guy who's waited all along is! Happy day! ...except not. because you had to make out with someone else to realize they weren't for you. Do that enough and what do you get? A bad reputation and possibly Mononucleosis.

IN CONCLUSION

Romantic Comedies are made to make lonely/sad people feel that there is hope out there with a beautiful man who is tough, but sensitive, handsome, but nice, and who can change.

Does nobody watch House anymore? People rarely change.

Not that I don't believe there isn't someone out there for everyone, but if you're inside all day long watching tear-jerkers about your favorite fictional couple, how are you ever going to meet them? Have some sensible expectations and attainable goals.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch 500 Days of Summer.

*steps off of soapbox*

Thank You.

Read to Impress

Sounds backwards, right? Like, for real, who reads anymore? What is this, like 1990?

Psh. Books. Knowledge. Overrated, for sure.

But let me tell you a little secret, my scoffing compadres: reading makes you smarter.

Being smarter means you know how to spend your time better. And if the old adage "time is money" is true, then you just got richer, my friend.

Yes, I, Ms.Oh-my-god-don't-come-near-me-with-that-math-book just created an equation. It was a worded equation though, which means that it's not nearly as hard to bear as one which involves numbers...and now I'm rambling.

Smart people are impressive.

(I do have a point, I swear.)

And as we embark on our adventures to our respective colleges, impressing our peers is a major goal on our list of dreams. What better way to go about this then combining it with the dreaded Move-in Day?? How, you ask? Here's how:

1. Buy impressive books.

Anybody can read Star by Pamela Anderson, or Miley Cyrus's book (which, really, shouldn't have been written in the first place, but I'll hold my tongue.) Go for something classy, yet enjoyable. For instance, I like poetry and recently purchased Immortal Poems of the English Language. Classy. Sophisticated. Impressive.

2. Pack your impressive novels and novellas in a clear box.

This is the simple way to draw attention to yourself, you obvious little bookworm, you.

3. Show that you're flawed. In an adorable way, of course.

I know what you're thinking- this is all great and stuff (eye roll), but how is it going to help me impress someone of the opposite sex (if you catch my drift)? Simply show your cute, clumsiness by dropping said box at the feet of someone you find attractive. *NOTE: do NOT do this in an obvious way, such as blatantly kicking the box over or picking it up and flipping it upside down so its contents fall to the ground. This will result in people either thinking you are having a temper-tantrum or that you are angry at literature for being literature. Either way- not good.*

4. Pick up said books in a cute way.

"Oh geez, I'm so clumsy, sorry! I hope my copy of The Fountainhead didn't knock you out; I know it's super heavy, I just love the story though. It's such a classic. *smile*" See? Done. Already that person is thinking, "wow..smart and not a total loser! I think I like them..."

5. Pick up your books and start a conversation.

No way! You liked Crime and Punishment? I thought Raskolnikov's complete disregard for the rest of society was so interesting in regard to his morals....we should grab coffee sometime and talk about it! In the meantime, you might like this book- it's about the first death row inmate exonerated by DNA evidence. The author has such a good understanding of how societal pressure can jeopardize the justice system. BAM. instant connection.

Once you've done all of these things, give yourself a pat on the back. You've convinced someone of your academic integrity and extreme knowledge of literature! Now you're a shoe-in for being invited to study groups and group projects. Hooray for you.

Now go read a book before people find out that you're a moron.

Recaptchas

For those of my fine, furry friends that don't know what the hell a "recaptcha" is, let me enlighten you as my good friend Rebecca did me.

You know those boxes that come up when you try to post a link onto facebook, or add a comment to your match.com profile? (I mean, what?)

You know, the ones that are like, "before you post this totally awesome comment, it's vitally important that you decipher these illegible words that are unintelligibly placed next to each other and spell them correctly." For example: ridonkidonk nutmeg

Now, I was under the impression that these were entirely pointless. I knew that they said that this was to help weed out spammers and computers from humans, but I didn't believe it.

What, is there some finger prick on the "R" key that reads my blood and tests it positively for human DNA? What if I'm completely illiterate or blind and misspell the word? Oh no!

But apparently these boxes, these RECAPTCHAS, are filled with whimsical phrases that computers can't read. And in the meantime, they are also helping to create digital versions of ancient word press. Which is pretty freakin' sweet.

However, blind people have it rough. Recaptchas will read you the words, unintelligibly of course, instead of having you read them. The result? It sounds as though the Russian mafia is about to kill you. No thanks, I'd rather just keep my comment to myself.

My theory is that the recaptchas are in cahoots with America's Most Wanted. If you can understand the voice, you obviously know the person speaking. And that person is wanted for a triple homicide backflip with a robbery to boot. (Did that sound impressive? I know it's more of a gymnastics move at this point. Well..maybe just the backflip part). Regardless, these boxes create lots of entertainment.

A link explaining more, you ask for? Here you go, fine fellow!

http://www.google.com/recaptcha/learnmore