1) Don't go to the police. Or do, it really doesn't matter.
People in horror movies annoy me. Know why? Because they never take advantage of the men in uniform. Or women--I'm not sexist. The main characters go about spending ages and ages deciding what to do, and never does it occur to them that they're probably going to die whether or not they alert authorities. They also decide immediately that the police won't believe them. How do you know? Did you try? You have enough time to panic and have sexual tension and scream a lot, but you don't have time to dial 911? No. Inexcusable.
2) Nobody ever believes anybody.
Okay. This kind of contradicts the first point, but I don't actually care, so.. here goes: If you're a cop, and some kids come to you freaking out about an axe murderer/serial killer/stalker, horror movies have taught me that you are going to look at them, glance knowingly at your partner, and then laugh very loudly and say some line about how monsters under your bed aren't real. If you're a parent, you are either out of town or reassuring without paying much attention, and if you're a friend, you're going to scoff until something really terrible and related happens to you.
Read this and take heed: If your kid/friend/coworker is genuinely SCARED of something, you have permission to laugh. If they're still scared after that, hear them out.
See? I have you all figured out, horror movie characters.
3) Don't be funny.
If you're the comic relief, you're dead. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a doornail in a coffin in a cemetery. I think my point has been made. If you're the one wisecracking and making comments and trying to lighten the mood, soon you're going to be murdered. Know why? Because nobody can take a joke. Not even an axe murderer/serial killer/stalker (henceforth to be known as an axerialker--don't ask me how to pronounce that). You're like Simba; you laugh in the face of danger. Ha! Ha! Ha! And then BAM. Some hyenas try to kill you in the elephant graveyard. And they're the ones who are laughing now (although, aren't hyenas always laughing..?). It makes me sad that the funny ones are always the one to die. They're the most interesting to watch. But if my vanity is correct in telling me that I'm funny, I'll probably go down with the lot of 'em. See ya in Hell, guys.
4) You're hot. Bye.
Yup. Sorry body-builders/bikini-wearing teenage/young adult population of the world. If you're hot, you're going to die. Or scream a lot. (Note: If you scream a lot, I'm going to be the one in the audience WISHING you were going to die). I never understood why people just stand there and scream when they see something scary. Yes, it will draw attention to your impending doom. Yes, you're probably still hot even when you're screaming. But if you're screaming and the axerialker murders you, they're getting you to be quiet, and we thank them for that. It could also be why they killed you in the first place. Maybe if you hadn't screamed so damn much they would have left you alone! I don't know. I'm not an axerialker. I can't speak on their behalf.
5) Karma is a definite factor.
Who dunnit? Is it the butler? the maid? the scorned lover? If this was a game of Clue, it would have been Colonel Mustard in the Billiards Room with the candlestick. But we're talking about horror movies. It's most likely the boy you refused to date in high school, or the girl who you made fun of at slumber parties, or even the servant you treated poorly (also, we're in a recession. how the hell do you have a servant?). Golden rule, people. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Don't kill them. Don't backtalk them. Be nice. Or karma will get you. And karma's name is axerialker.
6) If you're a survivor, you're going to fall in love with the another survivor.
I really never understood this. When tragedy strikes, sure, stick with your loved ones. But if you're watching your best friends get hacked to bits by an axerialker, then how do you come out of that with googly eyes for another survivor? I'd look at that person and see my friends getting murdered every time. THEY'RE A CONSTANT REMINDER. Become pen pals. Go your separate ways. All that you have in common is that you were both at the scene of a crime. Now, is that a very nice wedding "how did you meet" story? I think not.
So ladies and gentlemen, I bid you adieu with the hopes that you take this to heart and use it to your advantage the next time someone is trying to kill you. Don't call me to help you. I'm busy. Sorry about it. Good luck.
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