Movie Theater Etiquette

Remember my post about plane etiquette? Of course you don't; nobody reads this thing anymore. Well anyways, this one is about movie theaters. And how you should act in one. Or rather, how you shouldn't. Because, as a cinema major, I think that proper behavior in a movie theater is very, very important. And as a human being, I think that proper behavior in a movie theater is very, very important. Basically I hate everyone in movie theater audiences and you should read this post to find out why.

1) Cell Phones

I love my cell phone. Actually, that's a big fat lie. I hate my cell phone. I can't wait to throw it against a concrete wall and get a new one, even though that probably won't even work (it refuses to be killed; scientists should seriously start studying it). But that's a different rant for another post. Cell phones are great, modern inventions that allow people to have a conversation without looking at each other, talking out loud, or listening to what anyone else has to say. It's the greatest anti-social tool that's ever been created after the invention of the handheld gaming system (even though I kick major ass at Tetris..just saying). I condone using your cell phone to look up questions you can't remember the answer to on Google or Bing (actually, don't use Bing. I hate Bing). You can fake a call to get out of a real life conversation. You can use your phone! BUT one of the MAJOR times using your cell phone is absolutely not okay is in a movie. Why? I really shouldn't have to tell you. If you asked why, go walk outside. Find some traffic to play in. That was harsh, I'm sorry. I have a cell phone finding superpower, I swear. I can spot a cell phone on in the most crowded theater in the world. Actually, so can everyone else. BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS DARK AND YOUR CELL PHONE HAS A LIGHT. Thank you so much for illuminating the theater; now I can pick you as my new acquired target to pelt with popcorn.
And yes, I've heard all of the excuses, "I'm texting my mom/dad/brother/girlfriend/bus driver" or "someone I love/just met/looked up online is in the hospital" or "I seriously have to check my Facebook news feed; someone might have changed their profile picture!" and here's what I have to say to all of those, in turn: 1) That can wait. If it can't wait, and you know you were expecting a call, or it's an important conversation, GO OUTSIDE. You're missing what's going on on the screen anyways because you're looking at your phone; do you have to distract everyone else, too? Also, why do you have your bus driver's phone number? 2) I know that if I was waiting for news on someone in the hospital, I wouldn't be able to sit through a movie. So go home. Wait for the news. Make some tea. or something. But don't sit in a theater and bother everyone else. 3) Seriously? Seriously. Go get help.

Turn your phone off. If you can't sit through a movie without checking your phone, don't go to a movie theater. Or don't watch a movie.

(that was the longest one of this list, I promise)

2) Munching
Movie concessions are the best. The popcorn tastes worse than popcorn you'd make at home, and somehow it's still way better. The drinks are extra large because America is fat, and that's okay! You can get some nasty candies in a box, and good on ya, sir! No big thing. And all you have to do is pay a million dollars. Plus tax.
Popcorn and soda (and whatever candy if you're into that sort of thing) is like a right. It should be an amendment or something. But control yourself. Because you're in the danger zone. And that zone leads to me hating you if you're in my theater.
and here's why: You chew loudly. You do. You can't help it; the popcorn is crunchy. And that's fine- I do it, too. But you have to be considerate. There is almost nothing worse than watching a movie, and all of a sudden a slow, sad scene comes on, and you're adding to the soundtrack with huge crunches of buttery popcorn. Thanks for that. It really sets the mood, ya know?
Also, and I don't know why this is, but you will most likely wait until the very last minute to open your candy box. Which is inexplicably wrapped in the most hard-to-open, noisy plastic they could make. Why? I don't know; it's probably some cruel movie joke, like, "Hey Frank, let's wrap this candy so tightly in this wrapper that the poor sap can't open it, and then he pisses everyone off and doesn't even get to eat the candy! And we can charge him seven dollars! HA!" But you can one up that douchebag Frank. You can open the candy BEFORE the movie! Gasp! I know, I know, it's crazy. But it's so crazy that it just might work. And by that I mean, do it or run the risk of making everybody around you despise your very existence. tsk tsk. And all you wanted was a Sour Patch Kid.

3) Talking
This is my hypocritical one. I love to talk during movies. Not yell-at-the-character- "Don't open the door"-type talking; I keep it to myself. And my friends. I snort, kind of, at a lot of the idiocy I see on-screen...I don't know. And I'm sorry. But at least I'm being relevant. Do you know how annoying it is when someone is talking and it's not even to do with the movie!? And sometimes it's a whisper, which is worse, because whispers are always loud even when you think they aren't. "Hey, did you see 'Glee' before the season ended? OMG so good." NO. You stop that right there. Do you not see Harry Potter on the screen? What is wrong with you? AVADA KEDAVRA. Bam. Problem solved. Too bad that can't happen to me in real life (still waiting on that letter, J.K..)

Shut up. But what's even worse than talking is..

4) Shushing
Don't be a shusher. Just don't. I'm a shusher, Cady. I shush people. What does that even mean, like a drug shusher? Get it? HA. I'm so funny. Not really, but pretend I am. It makes me feel good. ANYWAYS. Isn't it always worse when someone is shushing? What a horrible invention of sound. It's just as LOUD as talking, and just as ANNOYING as talking, WE SHOULD ALL JUST STAB SHUSHING.

5) Not my armrest, you bitch! (another HP reference, what is up).
At the movie theater, the movie gods have blessed you with a nice seat, a cup holder, and an armrest. That's right, I said an armrest. Not two armrests. Because if someone is sitting next to you, it is just plain rude to take up both. C'mon, people, learn to share. Please. Or else I will sit there for the entire two hours and elbow you into submission. I promise.





Fin.

Horror...and stuff.

Hello, fellow students/businessmen/nannies/mothers/fake tanners (I have no idea what the hell demographic reads this stuff that I write- anyone there? Hi, you.) I've adventured to my little blog to talk about Horror movies. Not specific ones, just generalizations and patterns that I've noticed. So if you ever find yourself in a scary movie, or situation that will later become a scary movie, here are some things you should keep in mind:

1) Don't go to the police. Or do, it really doesn't matter.
People in horror movies annoy me. Know why? Because they never take advantage of the men in uniform. Or women--I'm not sexist. The main characters go about spending ages and ages deciding what to do, and never does it occur to them that they're probably going to die whether or not they alert authorities. They also decide immediately that the police won't believe them. How do you know? Did you try? You have enough time to panic and have sexual tension and scream a lot, but you don't have time to dial 911? No. Inexcusable.

2) Nobody ever believes anybody.
Okay. This kind of contradicts the first point, but I don't actually care, so.. here goes: If you're a cop, and some kids come to you freaking out about an axe murderer/serial killer/stalker, horror movies have taught me that you are going to look at them, glance knowingly at your partner, and then laugh very loudly and say some line about how monsters under your bed aren't real. If you're a parent, you are either out of town or reassuring without paying much attention, and if you're a friend, you're going to scoff until something really terrible and related happens to you.

Read this and take heed: If your kid/friend/coworker is genuinely SCARED of something, you have permission to laugh. If they're still scared after that, hear them out.

See? I have you all figured out, horror movie characters.

3) Don't be funny.

If you're the comic relief, you're dead. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a doornail in a coffin in a cemetery. I think my point has been made. If you're the one wisecracking and making comments and trying to lighten the mood, soon you're going to be murdered. Know why? Because nobody can take a joke. Not even an axe murderer/serial killer/stalker (henceforth to be known as an axerialker--don't ask me how to pronounce that). You're like Simba; you laugh in the face of danger. Ha! Ha! Ha! And then BAM. Some hyenas try to kill you in the elephant graveyard. And they're the ones who are laughing now (although, aren't hyenas always laughing..?). It makes me sad that the funny ones are always the one to die. They're the most interesting to watch. But if my vanity is correct in telling me that I'm funny, I'll probably go down with the lot of 'em. See ya in Hell, guys.

4) You're hot. Bye.

Yup. Sorry body-builders/bikini-wearing teenage/young adult population of the world. If you're hot, you're going to die. Or scream a lot. (Note: If you scream a lot, I'm going to be the one in the audience WISHING you were going to die). I never understood why people just stand there and scream when they see something scary. Yes, it will draw attention to your impending doom. Yes, you're probably still hot even when you're screaming. But if you're screaming and the axerialker murders you, they're getting you to be quiet, and we thank them for that. It could also be why they killed you in the first place. Maybe if you hadn't screamed so damn much they would have left you alone! I don't know. I'm not an axerialker. I can't speak on their behalf.

5) Karma is a definite factor.

Who dunnit? Is it the butler? the maid? the scorned lover? If this was a game of Clue, it would have been Colonel Mustard in the Billiards Room with the candlestick. But we're talking about horror movies. It's most likely the boy you refused to date in high school, or the girl who you made fun of at slumber parties, or even the servant you treated poorly (also, we're in a recession. how the hell do you have a servant?). Golden rule, people. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Don't kill them. Don't backtalk them. Be nice. Or karma will get you. And karma's name is axerialker.

6) If you're a survivor, you're going to fall in love with the another survivor.

I really never understood this. When tragedy strikes, sure, stick with your loved ones. But if you're watching your best friends get hacked to bits by an axerialker, then how do you come out of that with googly eyes for another survivor? I'd look at that person and see my friends getting murdered every time. THEY'RE A CONSTANT REMINDER. Become pen pals. Go your separate ways. All that you have in common is that you were both at the scene of a crime. Now, is that a very nice wedding "how did you meet" story? I think not.

So ladies and gentlemen, I bid you adieu with the hopes that you take this to heart and use it to your advantage the next time someone is trying to kill you. Don't call me to help you. I'm busy. Sorry about it. Good luck.